One year ago today we got to see our Baby Girl. She is our miracle baby. There were just too many coincidences and unlikely circumstances that God didn't have His hand right in the middle of forming her in my belly. Just ask the doctor - he was totally surprised when I showed up pregnant. All his looking and testing and investigating pointed to "not this time", but there she was. And week after week, she got bigger and bigger and more and more active and everything kept showing she was right on track.
I loved feeling her kick. I loved that with Will too. He liked to stretch and move something - elbow, hand, knee, something - all the way across my belly. She did more fluttery kicks. Just a little bubble, bubble that could easily be mistaken for too much watermelon. But she was getting bigger. And stronger. The bubbles turned into thumps and just kept getting stronger. Such an amazing feeling knowing that there is another life inside you. All warm and snugly. With not a care in the world. I remember so clearly the last little kicks I felt.
We weren't ready to meet her yet though. She wasn't ready to be in this world yet. Once again with a series of events too unlikely to be coincidences we found out something wasn't right. We got the chance to fight for her. The chance to do everything we could to protect her. I think it was the most stressful, anxiety-filled week of my life, but also one of the times I'm most grateful for...sitting in that hospital room getting antibiotics and waiting to see what would happen. I'm so glad I got that time with her. "Caring" for her.
One year ago today we got to hold her. With broken hearts, full of love and tears in our eyes, we cried that we were not ready to hold our baby yet. I don't understand. I don't understand why she got to go be with Jesus before me. I don't understand why God didn't just keep her wherever it is that babies are before they're conceived. I don't understand how both the lab results and the reality could have been right. I don't understand why we got to have her for such a short time. I don't understand how we could deserve the wonderful people that offered medical care and compassion to us. I don't understand how our family and friends were able to help ease the pain just by hugging us and letting us cry or bringing some crayons to the hospital or sending a text or leaving a voicemail. Love is a funny thing. And sometimes a painful thing. But also a beautiful thing.
Today we tried to honor her. We looked through her box - her blanket, her teddy bear, her gown, her tiny bracelets, the tape measure marking how long she was and how big her head was, her beautiful tiny handprints and footprints, the tiny pillow Will made for her. We looked through the box holding all the cards from family and friends-people who walk alongside us in our grief. We lit a candle for her and one for Will and one for Emily. We prayed. We ate cupcakes.
I will always have a place in my heart that Baby Girl Eskew fits into perfectly. Some days my heart will be strong. Other days it will feel like it's been shattered into a million pieces again. I know the story is not over though. Just because I don't understand, just because I don't like it, just because it hurts doesn't mean God can't make it into something good. Some days it's hard to remember that this life is just a blink of the eye for all of us. That even our best day here on earth won't even be able to compare to our "everyday" in Heaven. And my Baby Girl got to skip the hard part. What more could a parent want than to know his or her child gets to spend eternity with God. So through my tears I thank Him for her life and I ask Him to please guide me and direct me and use me in ways that will help others join us for the endless celebration.
From part of Baby Girl's Story:
The nurse...brought her over for Andy and me to hold her. He sat
there in the bed with me. I held her on her blanket in the palm
of my hand for a while and we just looked at her. She had the most
perfect little fingernails. They were so tiny, but all there –
formed and complete. She had beautiful lips that had such crisp,
perfect edges where her lips joined her face. She had Will's little
rounded nose...They put a little white gown on her and
we held her a while longer. Looking back, I wish I'd given her a
kiss. I didn't even think about it then though. We were just
looking at her and how little she was – though I also remember
thinking that she was a lot bigger than I thought she was...We
were both amazed at how much we could love another baby as much as we
loved Will. So instantly.
That's my finger her feet are resting on.
A bottle we made that represents us here on earth.
Eskew is etched on the bottle. God is white. Andy is red. Stacy is green.
Will is blue. Emily is pink. Baby Girl is purple.
It's not finished because neither are we...
This side is my favorite.
Our story is not over...
